Three Years on and Moving On

I'm watching the V Festival on TV now. Lady Gaga is singing, "Poker Face." Watching the whole V Festival on TV makes me envious. I wish I were there. I want to be in the crowd having fun.

Honestly, I'm really bad at festivals. If you go to a festival, you don't want to go with me! I hate the crowds. I hate the mud. I hate the toilets. I hate the overpriced drinks. I'm short and I hate that the tallest person in Chelmsford somehow finds a way to stand in front of me every time. I don't get drunk. I don't get high. I'm a proper 'stick in the mud.'

I do enjoy the music. I do enjoy when people sing in unison. I do enjoy feeling like I've witnessed something amazing and moving.

Naturally, watching the festival started reminding of the 2006 V Festival (See The V Festival: Giving head during Radiohead Yeah remember the good old days when I actually wrote about sex?)

Three years ago I was at the V Festival with my Ex-boyfriend. Also in the audience was the BFE. I had abandoned my ex to look for the BFE. My mobile battery was almost dead. Communication was difficult. Miraculously the BFE and I found each other in the crowd to the left main stage: about 40 feet from the tree.

Even though months before we had ended our relationship I was really looking forward to seeing him. I had broken up with him in a pre-empttive dump; sort of like Israel and the 6 Day War.

Last I heard he had gone back to his wife. She had moved back into the martial home. The BFE and I we were O-V-E-R. But the memories of the hot sex we had were frequently on my mind. After all, there is a reason why he had the nick name, "The Best Fuck Ever"

I checked the BFE's left hand at the V Festival. The wedding ring was still on. I was disappointed.



We stood motionless next to each other during Radiohead's set. I was holding back my desire. Then during "No Surprises" he put his arm around me and all the feelings cam rushing back; all the memories; fucking on the kitchen table; breaking in the new Muji couch; the hand job in Heathrow; kissing in Mayfair; the dirty weekend in Prague. Fucking, fucking and more fucking. It was like someone opened the floodgates. I didn't hold back much longer. We kissed. We held each other. It started out as romantic but then turned seedy. I gave him a hand job right there in the crowd.

Three days later we were fucking all over again. It was a different sort of fucking. Instead of it being about enjoying each other's company it was about the release of frustration. It was sex riddled with guilt. Whereas before he and his wife had separate it was different this time. He was fucking me then going home to her. And there began the beginning of the end. And my God, what a painful end that was. (See Fallout and Foreplay)

It's amazing how things change three years on. I have a wonderful boyfriend now and the BFE seems like a distant memory. It doesn't even seem right that I'm still calling him the BFE. He's not the 'best fuck ever' anymore. He's just some dude I just to be crazy about.

It makes me excited now that my future is with my boyfriend, RTC. For a long time I seemed to go after men that were unavailable; the ones who could like but not love me. When you find someone who loves you thoroughly; the ones that give as good as they get (and I'm not talking about oral sex here) you realized that this is how it was meant to be.

I don't begrudge the 'bfe' or our time together. I do feel that I learned a lot. I learned a lot about myself. I also learned that he's the wrong guy for me. Even if you're sexually compatible it's not enough. I need to be with a guy that actually cares about me.

My boyfriend, RTC, doesn't like me writing about him. So I try to keep mentions of him to a minimum. It's one of the reasons why there haven't been many entires about sex here. He's not interested in being a part of the blog and I can understand that.

I just feel really happy to be with someone who loves me as much as I love him. I think that's the way things were meant to be.

Vivid and in Your Prime

Vivid and in Your Prime

My Friend, The Voice of Reason is in town from New York. We went for a curry in Docklands for dinner. A conversation perused while we ate.

ANJ: (checking mobile phone) Pete hasn't called.

VOR: I've gotta say that there are enough red flags in this relationship.

ANJ: I know. I've only been telling you the bad stuff. I haven't been telling you the good stuff.

VOR: There's good stuff?

ANJ: Yes, of course.

VOR: Sounds like you're more into the concept of having a boyfriend.

ANJ: Yes, totally, I'm into the concept, but so what. I like how it sounds when I say, "I have a boyfriend" or "My boyfriend and I did this over the weekend." Guilty as charged. It's not just about having a boyfriend, it's about the perception of normalcy.

VOR: Meaning?

ANJ: There's a whole big list of things I need to tick off before I can feel, you know, normal. Having a boyfriend is one of those things. In the perceived race for life/ being an adult, I feel like I'm being left behind here. I'm 30 and have no husband, no kids. I have a flat, a dog, and a 2-seater car. I just want a NORMAL life.

VOR: Why?

ANJ: What do you mean why?

VOR: You're fabulous the way you are. Why do you want a quote/unquote normal life?

ANJ: I'm tired of being the one who's always left out. I don't care if it sounds boring to say that I want to meet someone and settle down. That's what I want!

VOR: You've traveled around the world. You've worked in 3 different countries - on three different continents. There are people that envy your life. You have a fab job at a TV company.

ANJ: Yes, okay, maybe. I'm not saying it's a bad life, but I'm saying I want more. I moved over to this country on my own. I'm tired of doing things alone. I hate the way it sounds. I hate the way it feels. I don't want to be alone. Not now.

VOR: You don't have to settle for this Pete guy, though. You should love your self more than that.

ANJ: I'm not settling for him! I like him. We have a great time together. Are things perfect? No. But he's only guy I've been attracted to in the past year that I've had more than a couple dates with. For what ever reason, the only guys that seem to be attracted to me are bald or over 40. And he's neither. So I'm happy enough to just go with the flow.

VOR: You don't sound happy.

ANJ: I am fine. I dunno. Maybe I'm not over the BFE yet? Fuck. (Pausing while chewing) It's been over a year. When will I finally get over him?

VOR: It's difficult because you were in love with him.

ANJ: I wasn't in love with him. I just liked him a lot. I mean that period when we were dating-

VOR: Fucking-

ANJ: Dating-

VOR: He was still married-

ANJ: Separated. He was separated. His wife moved out. For that period of time things were amazing. I lost all this weight. I loved my job. We had amazing sex. Not just average sex. It was amazing every time.

VOR: And you had to ruin it by having feelings for him.

ANJ: I couldn't help it. Anyhow, I make no apologies for that period of time. Things were good. Things ended naturally. I had to travel out of the country to work and so did he. And that was that. We both arrived back into the country a month later and he got back together with his wife. Was I disappointed with that? Yes. But I cherished the time we had together.

VOR: You weren't satisfied with that.

ANJ: I was! I was! It just all went downhill at the Radiohead show. I blame Thom Yorke.

VOR: You weren't satisfied with how it ended, and you let things get out of control at the Radiohead show. You should have said no.

ANJ: Who has that willpower? Who?

VOR: You should have said no.

ANJ: Are you any better? If the guy that gave you the best orgasms of your life, who you felt deeply for, who you haven't seen in months put his arms around you and started kissing you, you think I should walk away?

VOR: Yes.

ANJ: You expect me to be the good one here? He's the one with the wife. I was just along for the ride.

VOR: If you said no you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.

ANJ: I'm not perfect. We were like 2 magnets drawn to each other. God, now we're like to magnets at polar opposites. Yes, I made the mistake, but he made it too. Anyhow with Pete, the sex is good. Things are nice, but I want it to reach that level that it did with the BFE.

VOR: These things take time.

ANJ: "And I know that I'm the most inept that ever stepped..."