Date #12 Man or Minivan?

Date #12 Man or Minivan?

Yay! Finally I was able to get a second date. I was starting to think that there was something wrong with me. I’m a serial first dater. Even if the first dates go really well sometimes I just don’t hear from the guy again. What gives?

So even though I didn’t exactly have chemistry with Badly Styled and Boring, he had something none of the other guys had – reliability! He called when he said he was going to call. He never cancelled dates. He wasn’t flakey. And I’ll probably go out on a third date with him for the same reasons

Now, I know reliability is something I usually look for in a washing machine or possibly a tea kettle, however, the more guys I that date, the more I realize that reliability is an essential criteria.

I don’t want a guy who keeps me waiting by the phone (although I should point out that ‘waiting by the phone’ figurative, as I have been far too busy to do that). I don’t want a guy who keeps me guessing whether or not he’s going to ask me out again. I don’t want a guy to ‘forget’ that he’s made a date with me.

Do I sound like a horrible bitch for wanting a guy to follow up on his word? Are my expectations out of line?

I went out with Badly Styled and Boring again because he had the balls to ask me out again. He had the gumption to follow through. Who dares wins.

We went to posh Chinese restaurant. Excellent meal. We talked about lighthearted things over dinner. At the end of the date when we kissed, he put his hand on my breast. Can you believe I actually moved his hand away as if I were some prude?!? He’s really a nice guy, but there are no stomach flips. No butterflies. No weak-at-the-knee action.

As pondered by the girls from Sex in the City:

SAMANTHAI totally understand. You're not getting the stomach flip.

MIRANDAWhich is really just a fear of losing the guy.

CARRIEMaybe I'm just not used to being with someone who doesn't do the ever-seductive withholding dance

MIRANDABut there is an upside to being with a guy with no surprises. Steve is completely predictable but that's one of the things I love about him. He's just so comfortable and safe.

CARRIEAre you dating a man or a minivan?

I wish I had the answer to that one.

Alcohol Makes Me Horny

I’ve Heard it all Before

I’ve Heard it all Before… I’ve Heard it all Before… I’ve Heard it all Before… I’ve Heard it all Before…

“I hope you’re in a better mood now then you were last night,” the Ex said as I met him in a bar on Upper Street, Islington.

“I am ten times worse!” I exclaimed.

“What’s wrong? Bad day at work?” He asked.

“Yes. Bad day in general. This world would be such a better place if everyone just did what I said. I’m tired of people not following through with shit.”

“Huh?”

“I’m tired of hearing excuses. You know that Madonna song, ‘Sorry’ ?”

“Since when have I listened to Madonna?”

“She has this lyric, ‘I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry. I've heard it all before. And I can take care of myself’”

“It doesn’t sound like that good of a song,” the Ex muses.

“That’s not the point! The point is between my I.T. team being completely unreliable and my internet dates being completely unreliable, it’s driving me crazy.”

“That’s why I don’t date. See, I told you this dating thing wouldn’t be all wine and roses.”

“I had a deadline today at work and the whole of the I.T. team left at 4:30. I was fucked!”

“It is a holiday!”

“It makes me look like a shithead when I can’t meet my deadlines. I’m trying to get this programme up and when the I.T. team fucks off at 4:30 and we’re due to go live at 5:00. I’m fucked! I’m totally fucked!”

“Shhhh, calm down, Anjelika."

"It makes me do mad. And do you realize I’m supposed to be on a date right now and look where I am?”

“With me,” he says scratching his labret.

“Yeah, predictably with you,” I grumble.

“You really should just date people from work and friends of friends.”

“I know, that would be ideal, but there aren’t that many single guys at work.”

“No one’s gonna fob you off if you’re going to see them the next day. It’s easy for these internet dates to cancel on you because you’re nothing to them. They’re not gonna see you tomorrow at the water cooler. They’re not going to bump into you in the lift…”

“I’m gonna stop giving out my mobile number. It’s too easy to text and cancel. I’m just gonna give out my home number.”

“Oh don’t do that!”

“If they want to cancel then they can phone me up and do so. Otherwise it’s too easy.”

“Anj, these guys are flakes. Better that they flake out in the beginning rather than later in the relationship. You’re better off without them.”

“I know. The thing is, I’m not mad at any one particular guy for canceling. Everyone has an excuse. Maybe they’re valid, maybe they’re not, but I’ve had 9 cancellations in 14 days. “

“Jesus.”

“It’s frustrating. It makes me want to quit this dating thing all together.”

“I bet.”

“You realize that the only ones in my life who have never let me down are my dad and my dog.”

“You really should see an analyst, Anj.”

“One day…”

Internet Dating is Shit, Part 2

Internet Dating is Shit, Part 2

To all the men on internet dating sites who live far, far away:

My ideal romance isn't a long distance one.

I don't have to be reasonable. I don't have to be anything because I choose not to date someone who lives so far away.

And it's not ‘just a plane ride.’ I don't ever intend on moving to America, Belgium, Holland, Algeria, Nigera, Leeds, Aberdeen, Belfast or wherever the fuck you are.

So, IF - and this is a huge if - we were to like, fall in love - or something, you would have to move over here. You would have to get your own visa as I'm not a British / EU citizen. Perhaps you're fantastically wealthy and this is not an issue. And in that case mea culpa, I'm missing out. But I'm gonna take my chances and guess that you're not fantastically otherwise women in your hometown would be throwing themselves at you.

What I want is to be able to go on dates, be romanced by, have fun with and ultimately have sex with a partner who I see 2-3 times a week. I am not the sort of person who is cool with seeing someone once a month! Even once a week isn't enough - my sex drive is too high for that.

I want a friend and confidante who, if I'm feeling sad, can be by my side within the hour.

I know how I am. I know what I want. I know what works best for me. I am also suspect that you can't find a woman in all of your home town / province / state that you need to search abroad!

You are probably a really nice guy. You don't deserve this rant I am giving you. Unfortunately you are bearing the brunt of all the guys from all the counties around the world who have contacted me. So please don't take this as a personal attack. I am not THAT bothered by you personally, contacting me.

I am just tired of dealing with guys who have some fantasy in their head that I'm going to be interested in them even though they live hundreds or even thousands of miles away.

Essentially, I am a lazy girl. And if you're interested in me you'll have to accommodate, up to a point, my lazy lifestyle. And that means if you live outside the M25 you are too damn far away!

In the Company of Women

In the Company of Women

It was the first night of the week without a date. Frankly, I was relieved. I went to some posh young filmmaker’s party in a trendy hipster part of Shoreditch.

The drinks were free, fruity and fantastic. My favorite! I made sure I was adequately drunk before it turned into a cash bar.

A lot of my colleagues from work were there as well as some budding new filmmakers from NY, LA and Paris. I don’t remember too much about it other than talking to a male friend of one of my colleagues. I was telling this guy about my dating experiences. I probably bored him but he still managed to feign interest.

I along with Angelica and Miss Brella got ravenously hungry. We made a move. As we were walking out of the venue we bumped into our hot new Brazilian boss who was on his way in. We all giggled said hello / good bye and made our way towards Kingsland Road.

“Would you fuck him?” I asked Angelica. Angelica smiled. She thought about it for a second. “Yeah I would. Would you?”

“Of course!” I exclaimed, “but only because he’s a vice president. If he was just a producer or executive producer I wouldn’t bother.” She looked at me with mock shock. “Well, I can’t pretend otherwise!” I exclaimed.

“Would you?” I asked Miss Brella, “He thinks I’m so silly! After that big meeting we had I got so tongue tied and….” She went on and on but eventually agreed that if she didn’t have her beloved boyfriend that she would also bed our new boss.

The three of us had a such laugh. Eventually we ended up at a Vietnamese restaurant. I had forgotten how much fun it is to go out with other girls. This is something I should do more often.

Date #11 Bob Saget’s Scandinavian Twin

Date #11 Bob Saget’s Scandinavian Twin

And I thought yesterday’s date was dog poo. Tonight’s date made yesterday’s look amazing. My date tonight was from Denmark. He looked like Bob Saget’s Scandinavian twin.

He was scientist and seemed very meticulous about everything he said. He would pause for up to a minute before he would speak. At first I thought this was related to English not being his first language. But then when he would speak English pour out of his mouth almost as if he were a native speaker.

He seemed to be quite fastidious. At the pub, he inspected his glass of beer for dirt. He kept looking down at my scar. It was just really awkward. The conversation felt forced. He seemed shy and reserved so I got the feeling that he didn’t like me or wasn’t attracted to me. I don’t know. He didn’t give me that warm feeling inside.

As soon as I left the restaurant I texted the Shark and said, “Finally, it’s over. Now when do I get your cock again?”

Date #10 Badly Styled and Boring

Date #10 Badly Styled and Boring

It only takes one or two stellar dates to make the other dates seem like dog poo. Tonight’s date was dog poo but only relatively.

I met tonight’s date along Canary Riverside. Somehow he was much cuter in his picture than he was in person – that’s almost always the case. He’s an I.T. guy. And you know how I love my I.T. guys.

When I first saw him I thought “Oh god his hair is too puffy.” Also he was wearing the second most ugly coat I’ve ever seen on a man. (A fur coat being the first). His coat was a three-quarter inch light brown leather jacket. It was soooooo 70’s. Sooooo Starkly & Hutch.

Then there was part of me saying “Hey give this guy a chance. You’re insulting his hair and clothes already. How picky are you?” He was a nice guy for sure but I just didn’t feel the chemistry. I wanted to feel it but I couldn’t manufacture something that wasn’t there.

Like a lot of I.T. guys his personality was a little dull. I wanted him to say something that shocked me. Something that seemed adventurous. Something that would cast him n a new light. But the only thing he said that caught me off guard was, “Ruby on Rails in the way of the future.” Um, okay!

He was a perfect gentleman and treated me to a pretty expensive meal. I didn’t look at the bill but some quick math made the bill out to be about £140.

I gave him a kiss goodnight aiming for his cheek. Next thing I know his tongue was rammed down my through. Ugh! Then another kiss. Double Ugh! One more kiss for the road. I had to pull away early. Too much tongue! The amount of tongue I was given was in no way equivalent to how well the date went. He must be optimistic.

As soon as I got off the tube he sent me a message saying that he had a fantastic night. Lucky him.

I’m starting to grow weary of all these first dates. And to think I have to go through it all again tomorrow.

Date #9 The Fish Returns

Date #9 The Fish Returns

I don’t know if you could call it a date? It was uber casual. Or even an outing? We stayed in. But I had a second meeting (if that’s the mot juste) with the guy from work hereafter known as the Shark. See Fishing from the Company Pier

After grabbing some Indian Take-away we headed back to my flat. Even though I was starving I was happy to put my hunger on hold so I could feel his tongue on my clit again.

I sent the dog packing. I closed the door to the lounge, turned-off the TV, sat on the sofa and spread my legs.

The Shark unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them down just below my knees. He pressed his nose against my pink-laced panties. I felt the warmth of his breath on my clit. He took a breath and then exhaled on panties. He slid my panties over to the side and began licking my pussy.

I had spend the weekend wondering why he’s come into my life. Ultimately, I believe that everyone we meet in a significant and/or emotional way is meant to teach us something. I kept wondering what his place was in all this? What will I learn from him? What is he going to teach me? What is the purpose of meeting him?

Maybe there is no higher purpose? Maybe it’s just fucking? Maybe as a woman I feel the need to arbitrarily justify wanting to have sex with someone I’m attracted to? Maybe I’m trying to put some cause or meaning to it because I’m tired of having sex that has no meaning? I don’t know. These are just things I’ve been pondering.

I came three times before we ate and once more afterwards. Whilst eating dinner we sat on the sofa and watched The Secret Millionaire. He cried at the end and it really touched me.

Even though the Shark and I have only been acquainted quite recently it seemed that our relationship has blossomed into part friend, part mentor, part lover and part father figure. It’s all very cosy. Very nice.

Still there’s something about him that scares me, but I really, really like it. And I’ve never been one to run from danger.

That Elusive Second Date

That Elusive Second Date

I’ve always been under the impression that I’m a great first date person. Recently, I’ve been having problems getting to that second date stage. The first date goes well and the second date just doesn’t come into fruition.

Last week I had a date lined up for every single day. Seven dates in Seven days. Out of those 7 dates 4 of them canceled. What’s going on there?

Sunday Date: Went well.

Monday Date: Stood up. We made plans for Monday and he just didn’t show up. Didn’t call. Didn’t text. Not only rude and inconsiderate, but to make it worse a waste of my time. Usually I’m apt to giving people a second chance, but I’m not going to waste anymore time on this guy. I'm blocking him from my MSN.

Tuesday Date Went well.

Wednesday Date Went well.

Thursday Date He forgot! Remember my Bald Eagle? As great as our date went the previous week I was forgotten this week. We made plans to grab a drink after work and then he forgot to show up. He called the next day to apologize. He also asked me out for tonight. I still feel skeptical about this, but I'm going through with it.

Friday Date His father was sick. I suppose it’s a plausible excuse? At least he called in advance.

Saturday Date He texted me on Wednesday to tell me that he had the flu and couldn’t make it on Saturday. I love getting lots of notice, but how does he know that he still would have been sick? I asked him if he wanted to reschedule, but there was no response. How weird.

So now you men see what us women have to put up with. Whether these excuses are true or not, you can see how it makes dating more difficult. In any case I’m not mad or bitter. I am just moving on.

Still I wonder, how many first dates will I go on?

Date #8 Cardinal Sins: Mr. I-Read-Your-Blog (Mr. IRYB)

Date #8 Cardinal Sins: Mr. I-Read-Your-Blog (Mr. IRYB)

I have a cardinal rule: I never date anyone who read this blog or listens to the podcast. Those are the breaks. I do get a lot of e-mails (mostly from horny guys ) looking to take me out to dinner Or meet for a coffee, or a drink.

Part of the reason I do this is because generally the guys who read this blog and want to go out with me are only interested in sex. They want to have sex with me. Or they want me to write about having sex with them. I want a guy who can bring more to the table. Wanting to have sex with me isn’t a good enough reason. It should be about a meeting of the minds.

Secondly, I generally don’t put my picture up. I’m not shy about my looks, but really I don’t want to implicate any of the guys I’ve been with. Also, it would be a bit weird if everyone at work know. Most people at my work know anyhow, but not the big bosses. Because I don’t put my picture up the guys that read my blog / listen to the podcast have formed a picture of me in their minds. And if I were to meet them, I’d be competing against that perfect image in their head. I wouldn’t ever want to be a let down. Furthermore I wouldn’t want to go out with them and have them expect me to talk about sex the whole time.

So that’s the reason why in the past 18 months I’ve declined 94 dates from fans of the blog & podcast. Actually, the celebs I’ve gone out with have read the blog, so naturally I’ve made exceptions for them. But as far as civilians go, I’ve turned down every offer – that is until Wednesday. I actually went out on a date with one of my fans. (I hate that term, “fans.” It makes me sound arrogant and bigger than I actually am. But for lack of a better word I’m using it here.)

The funny thing is, I expected the date to be bad. Not totally bad, but I thought that we would be mismatched. I expected him to be an arrogant wanker.

I was pleasantly surprised to find out that Mr. IRYB is a lovely guy. Handsome. Sweet. Charming; the perfect gentleman. I’m not saying this because he’s potentially reading it. I genuinely had great time and enjoyed his company. Hopefully I’ll get to know him much better. And I can’t wait to kiss him again.

Date #7 Fishing from the Company Peer

Date #7 Fishing from the Company Peer

Yeah I know it’s morally questionable to sleep with someone from work; especially when he’s already involved with someone else. But it was the come hither stare on his MySpace profile picture that got me interested.

There was a dichotomy in the hard and raw essence of his photo compared to the tenderness and sweetness of meeting him in person. I was intrigued.

The sex was fab. Clearly, It was the best oral I’ve had since 2006. I think he went down on me for the better part of an hour. Of course, I had multiple orgasms. I had one super-intense orgasm. It was so intense that I felt quite satiated. It was strong enough of an orgasm that I could go another few weeks without sex. The only thing I can compare it to is having a really nice meal where you feel totally full and you think, “I can’t eat for days.” That’s sort of how I feel. I can’t fuck for days…

He’s a great guy and fantastic in bed, but ultimately he belongs to someone else. And I’ll be damned If I go through another BFE thing again!

Another shag could be a lot of fun, though.

Date #6 Big, Tall and Hirsute English Guy

Date #6 Big, Tall and Hirsute English Guy

So I met BT&H in Covent Garden. It was a lunch time date. I hate lunch dates. They’re so intrinsically unromantic. Also, I feel weird drinking alcohol when the sun is up. Not that it was sunny today here in London, but I have this thing about drinking in the afternoon – unless you’re at a ball game it is SO not okay.

BT&H was a nice guy. That’s really all I can say about him. He’s in his 40’s. He earns about 3 times more than me. He isn’t gorgeous, but he isn’t ugly either. Generally, he was so middle of the road in everything. He seemed reliable, honest and dependable. He had all the qualities I look for in a Refrigerator!

I don’t know if there was that chemistry there. I could tell that he liked me. He kept saying how beautiful I am. He kept remarking that he’s surprised that a girl like me “hasn’t been snatched up already.” Of course, I’m taking this all with a grain of salt because maybe he’s saying all this just to get into my pants. Who knows?

I liked him, but he didn’t seem to have that X-factor. The conversation flowed easily. I kept wondering, if I were in a serious relationship with him, would that make me MOR?

I am willing, however, to give him another shot.

Date #5 My Cute Bald Englishman

Date #5 My Cute Bald Englishman

Finally, I’ve been asked out by someone English! Maybe English guys just aren’t attracted to me? I don’t know. I don’t at all mind being asked out by other nationalities, but it does seem weird that I live in England and this is my first English guy since I’ve started this internet dating thing.

I met my Bald Eagle at a pub down the road from where I work. He was charming, warm, funny and a damn nice guy. We both share a passion for the gym. The three hours we spent together felt like 3 minutes. I know that’s so cliché, but that’s how it felt.

There was definite chemistry there. Probably not as much chemistry as the Australian guy, but I also had a lot less to drink this time around. We left the pub after our third drink. We kissed just outside of the tube station. His lips were soft, tender and I felt good in thinking that he’s the sort of guy I’d like to kiss again.

Date #4 The Irishman with the Poncy Name

Date #4 The Irishman with the Poncy Name

He looked reasonably cute in his photos. Maybe too cute. He only had a passing interest in me until I mentioned that I had dated a celeb or two. Then he was all anxious to meet me ASAP.

We only met for forty-five minutes. This was the perfect amount of time to meet since I really wasn’t into him. He was the media type working at a competing channel. He kept telling me about how he used to run night clubs, do lots of coke and fuck models.

NOT HUSBAND MATERIAL!!!

He had a certain arrogance about him that made me want to punch him in the head. Why did I even agree to go out with him?!? The date was just long enough for me to finish my drink and to walk out of the pub with my dignity in tact.

Anal Sex for Lunch

with special Guest, Suzanne Portnoy

Anjelika and Suzanne chat about

- Anal Sex for lunch
- Anal Toys
- Strap-ons
- Rejecting the B.F.E. on Valentine's day.
- Suzanne's B.F.E.
- The Not-so Invisible Woman

Suzanne Portnoy
http://www.SuzannePortnory.com

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