The Games We Play

I don't know if I should be blogging about this? I had a terrifying experience yesterday that has left me shaken. I talked to my best friend about it. I'm ambivalent if I should be blogging about it.

Generally, I've been quite open when blogging about my sex life. I always change names. And sometimes I even change places. For instance my blog entry, "Heavy Petting on the Northern Line" actually happened on the District Line... (Oh yes, the cat's out of the bag now!)

Since it's been three years since that event it doesn't matter which tube line it happened on. If I mentioned that it happened on the District Line at the time I wrote the blog entry, I could have possibly identified the man involved.

Aside from small changes like that, what I write here is an accurate portrayal of my adventures.

It becomes more difficult to write about my adventures / mis-adventures while I'm in my current relationship. My boyfriend doesn't want to be mentioned in the blog- except with his explicit permission. I have to respect his privacy on that.

I find myself in a bit of a quandary. My need to stay faithful and accurate to this blog vs. My boyfriend's need for privacy.

Even if I write about my sex life without specifically mentioning my boyfriend, it's implied that he's involved-- unless I'm masturbating or cheating.

Ultimately, this may mean that as my relationship progresses, the my blog declines. I had always pictured, however, that once I'm married the blog would be pointless. Who wants to read about a married and not sot naive London woman?

Within the context of my relationship I enjoy a bit of role play in the bedroom. It's fun, harmless and can lead to some horny times. What I'm not so keen on is role-play outside of the bedroom. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but for me, personally, it doesn't work. I can't figure out when the game "begins" or where the start point is.

So that leads me to my latest situation. I've spent the past couple hours crying because hours before I didn't realize that I was in the middle of a BDSM role-playing exercise. Because I didn't realize I was in the middle of role-play, I didn't think to use the safeword.

I had assumed that I was being chided and punished for a mistake I made earlier in the day. When I learned what my punishment was going to be, I totally freaked out. I went into hysterics. I was crying and terrified. I was naked as well because I was just about to take a shower before the role-play (unbeknownst to me) started.

I was screaming, crying and begging my merciless Dom to stop. To me, it wasn't a game. It wasn't Dom and Sub, but rather Anjelika and boyfriend.

Eventually, I became so panic-stricken and distraught that he stopped and said the safeword.

Safeword? I was so confused. I didn't realize it was a game. I was scared. Really, really scared. Even though physically I was fine, I still felt really upset. I felt really fucked up emotionally. I couldn't just shake off the experience as a bit of fun and role play.

I am emotionally drained and I still feel upset. I feel like I want to get out of town for a few days and think things over.