Contemplating Adultery
Contemplating Adultery
As a women who has slept with many a married man I am fascinated by the question, “Why do men cheat?” I’m even more perplexed that I haven’t been able to find a satisfactory answer.
As far as my own fidelity goes, I’ve never cheated on anyone. And, as far as I know, no one has ever cheated on me. Let’s hope that karma’s not a bitch!
Out of the 6 or so married men I’ve been intimate with there seems to be a common theme when I ask them why they’re cheating. The unanimous answer is, “My wife doesn’t understand me [like you do]” and “I haven’t had sex with her in [X number of] months.”
Men are quick to put the blame of their lack of attention and lingering horniness on the wife. Or course, this is convenient to do that as I’m never in the position to question the wife. But perhaps that’s where I should be looking? I know that it takes two to tango, but what happens in a relationship when a man decides to cheat? Is it always the case that wife has stopped having sex with him?
Sex is great. Orgasming is great. Sex makes you feel fulfill, sexy and adventurous. If you stop having sex with your husband, you’re denying yourself the pleasure as well. Why would a woman stop having sex with her husband? A couple theories have been suggested to me:
1. That when women are single, they pretend to have high sex drives in order to reel in the guy and get married. Once they’re married and things settle down, the woman goes back to her real sex drive which presumably is lower. The husband feels cheated. Sort of like the same feeling you get when you see a movie preview that you think looks great; then when you see you movie, you realize they put all the best bits in the trailer. The husband grows resentful of this and ultimately cheats
2. Once women have children, they make their children their number one focus and the husband has to take the back seat.
The husband grows resentful of this and ultimately cheats.
So as single women, if we know up front (i.e. before the wedding) that our potential husbands need sex regularly to stay happy how is this forgotten once we’re married? Is there something that happens to women once they’re married that makes them want to have sex with their husbands less?
One married guy that I slept with said that it had been 8 months since he last had sex with his wife. The obvious question I had for him was, “Well, have you discussed that with her? Have you said, hey honey it’s been ages since we’ve made love. Can we be more regular about it?”
Two things emerged after I put that to him: 1. He’s uncomfortable about talking to his wife about sex. He’s afraid to have the awkward conversation with her. Huh? How can you have a fulfilling sex life if you’re afraid to talk about sex with your spouse? Also, with all the lying and betrayal that’s involved with cheating are you telling me it’s harder to have an “awkward conversation” with your wife? I think men see cheating as an easy alternative. But really, it shouldn’t be an alternative. If a man is not having sex with his wife he needs to have a conversation with her.
And if he does have a conversation with her but it turns out that she’s no longer interested in him sexually, what should he do? What if everything in the relationship is great, except the sex, what should a guy do? I would advise that the guy needs to come to an understanding with his wife that he has to have sex on a regular basis. I would see if the wife were open to the idea of you taking on a lover.
Afterall, it’s rather unfair of her to say, “No, I’m not going to have sex with you, but I don’t want anyone else to have sex with you either.” That’s a bit selfish.
The second thing to emerge from my chat with the married man was that he wanted his wife to find him sexually attractive. He didn’t want to have to “talk my wife into wanting to have sex with me. I want her to want me. “
He didn’t want to have to coax his wife into having sex with him. I suppose, as a man that can be quite demoralizing.
As a women who has slept with many a married man I am fascinated by the question, “Why do men cheat?” I’m even more perplexed that I haven’t been able to find a satisfactory answer.
As far as my own fidelity goes, I’ve never cheated on anyone. And, as far as I know, no one has ever cheated on me. Let’s hope that karma’s not a bitch!
Out of the 6 or so married men I’ve been intimate with there seems to be a common theme when I ask them why they’re cheating. The unanimous answer is, “My wife doesn’t understand me [like you do]” and “I haven’t had sex with her in [X number of] months.”
Men are quick to put the blame of their lack of attention and lingering horniness on the wife. Or course, this is convenient to do that as I’m never in the position to question the wife. But perhaps that’s where I should be looking? I know that it takes two to tango, but what happens in a relationship when a man decides to cheat? Is it always the case that wife has stopped having sex with him?
Sex is great. Orgasming is great. Sex makes you feel fulfill, sexy and adventurous. If you stop having sex with your husband, you’re denying yourself the pleasure as well. Why would a woman stop having sex with her husband? A couple theories have been suggested to me:
1. That when women are single, they pretend to have high sex drives in order to reel in the guy and get married. Once they’re married and things settle down, the woman goes back to her real sex drive which presumably is lower. The husband feels cheated. Sort of like the same feeling you get when you see a movie preview that you think looks great; then when you see you movie, you realize they put all the best bits in the trailer. The husband grows resentful of this and ultimately cheats
2. Once women have children, they make their children their number one focus and the husband has to take the back seat.
The husband grows resentful of this and ultimately cheats.
So as single women, if we know up front (i.e. before the wedding) that our potential husbands need sex regularly to stay happy how is this forgotten once we’re married? Is there something that happens to women once they’re married that makes them want to have sex with their husbands less?
One married guy that I slept with said that it had been 8 months since he last had sex with his wife. The obvious question I had for him was, “Well, have you discussed that with her? Have you said, hey honey it’s been ages since we’ve made love. Can we be more regular about it?”
Two things emerged after I put that to him: 1. He’s uncomfortable about talking to his wife about sex. He’s afraid to have the awkward conversation with her. Huh? How can you have a fulfilling sex life if you’re afraid to talk about sex with your spouse? Also, with all the lying and betrayal that’s involved with cheating are you telling me it’s harder to have an “awkward conversation” with your wife? I think men see cheating as an easy alternative. But really, it shouldn’t be an alternative. If a man is not having sex with his wife he needs to have a conversation with her.
And if he does have a conversation with her but it turns out that she’s no longer interested in him sexually, what should he do? What if everything in the relationship is great, except the sex, what should a guy do? I would advise that the guy needs to come to an understanding with his wife that he has to have sex on a regular basis. I would see if the wife were open to the idea of you taking on a lover.
Afterall, it’s rather unfair of her to say, “No, I’m not going to have sex with you, but I don’t want anyone else to have sex with you either.” That’s a bit selfish.
The second thing to emerge from my chat with the married man was that he wanted his wife to find him sexually attractive. He didn’t want to have to “talk my wife into wanting to have sex with me. I want her to want me. “
He didn’t want to have to coax his wife into having sex with him. I suppose, as a man that can be quite demoralizing.
Labels: cheating married guys, marriage
posted by Naive London Girl at 8/10/2008 12:31:00 PM
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1 Comments:
Cheaters... esp men talk a big game. I have yet to find a man attached or otherwise who was able to deliver on his promises. The no sex with the spouse is a two way street. Many women (and many men for that matter) are sexually repressed to the point of it being demoralizing, and most men (and women for that matter) get bored of the same old Tuesday night shag. Maybe the problem is really our conception that marriage is anything more than a social contract. It certainly doesn't mean year after year of desire and hot sex, so maybe we should just be more flexible with societal definitions of monogamy. All this from a married gal who likes to have sex on the regular...
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