Tunic

Tunic

The view from my hotel room is stunning. A little bit of paradise. I’m sitting out on the balcony with the laptop on a small side table. From here I can see the sea. It’s high tide and the brown murky waves crash over the rocks rhythmically. Behind me there’s a mountain with houses stacked on top of each other like Legos. There’s a road that wraps around the mountain. The sounds of traffic interrupt the waves. Then occasionally you can hear a stray dog barking. I’m blasting Sonic Youth from the speakers of my Powerbook. “Tunic” has got to be one of the best songs ever.

Last night was a bit of a difficult night, but I soldiered through it. It was the first time in 3 three years that I cried myself to sleep. It’s times like these where I need my dog.

I woke feeling like shit. I couldn’t really sleep. The bed, was very comfortable which made not sleeping even more annoying.

Emotionally, I haven’t quite been though the ringer. Yes, I’m okay, but I feel, I dunno. Like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me. When I used to a gymnist there was one time where I was doing a round-off. It’s sort of like cartwheel. Anyhow one day I slipped and landed flat on my back. The landing didn’t hurt but there was this awful feeling bellowed from my gut. It was like being punched really hard. I dunno. It was like a nervous pain.

Anyhow I’ve had this nervous pain all day. Is there a name for this? It can’t be anxiety, can it? I’ve got this really nervous tension in my chest and it’s really fucking me up. I lost my appetite.

OK, just called a friend of mine who’s an expert in these sort of things. He confirmed it’s anxiety. He told me to take .5 of some sort of depressant. Wish I had some valium now. Maybe I’ll go on the hut for some. God, I used to be Straight Edge.

Today was a wasted day. There wasn’t enough sun to go get a tan. It wasn’t hot enough to go swimming. The sky wasn’t clear enough to go up to the mountains. With every fibre of my being I felt like I had to get the hell out of Rio. My efforts to book a flight out of this city were all for naught. The language barrier is difficult. I won’t bore you with the details but I basically have to go to the airport to buy a ticket. I’m trying to get up to Bahia to visit a very sweet, very beautiful yet very flighty friend of mine. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind me saying this but she is away with the fairies! (But she is ever so sweet!)

It’s really hard to characterize my trip here. And for personal reasons there’s some stuff going down that I can’t mention. I’ll just say for now that it’s character-building stuff. Hello Euphemism!

I know everything will be fine in the end. But when you’re in the tick of it, it’s quite hard to get some perspective.