Think DFS, Think Stalkers

Think DFS, Think Stalkers

I went to DFS today to buy a sofa. It took me ages to get there, like 2 and a half hours. Okay, truthfully it really took me that long because I stopped to get my pussy eating along the way. STILL, I hate when it takes me ages to get somewhere.

On the bus from the DLR there was this weird guy in a green hat giving me strange looks. I got off the bus, he got off the bus. I climbed the stairs to the overpass, he climbed the stairs to the overpass. I took the ramp down from the overpass and so did he. Once I got to the bottom I crossed over to the stairs and began climbing to the top again. He waited for me at the bottom of the stairs. That really freaked me out. I then phoned the Ex.

"What do you mean someone's following you? Just go somewhere public."

"There's no where to go. I'm along side of a highway."

"What highway?" He asked, not really sounding concerned.

"I dunno, I'm in Beckton."

"Beckton? What are you doing in Beckton?"

"I'm buying a sofa."

"I thought you were going to buy that sofa from that small shop in Islington."

"Maybe. DFS is having a sale-"

"Their prices are very bad. Don't get a sofa from there. No matter how much they say you'll save"

"I've got bigger fish to fry now. There's some dude following me."

"Go somewhere public. Call me in 10 minutes."

"Okay... if I'm still alive!" I hung up the phone.

The guy in the green hat disappeared.

I went into another sofa shops before going to DFS. As I exited the sofa shop I spotted the guy in the green hat loitering outside. I stayed in the sofa shop until I couldn't see him anymore. I went into a second sofa shop. I didn't see any sofas I liked in my price range. I went on to DFS. They had a woman in the front of the store offering champagne and drinks to customers.

"Would you like a drink?" she asked. She was cute. Asian. Monroe mole near her lip. Great eye make up.

"Listen," I said softly. There's a guy in a green hat following me. I don't know who he is but he's been following me for the past 20 minutes. If you see him come in here would you please tell me?"

The girl looked at me like I was nuts, but kindly agreed. I spent about a twenty minutes looking at all the sofa there. They were pricey but much nicer than the sofa stores. I phone my mother.

"What are you doing next weekend?" I asked.

"Oh I don't know, dear."

"Can you come over here?"

"To England?" She asked sounding really confused.

"Yeah, I've got a lot going on. I can't handle it all. The new job. I'm about to be homeless in 3 days. I haven't exchanged on the new flat. I have to move out of the old flat. I need to get a car. I need a fridge. I need a bed. I need a sofa."

"Why do you need a sofa if you have no place to live?" Of course leave it to your parents to point out the blaringly obvious.

"So I can be comfortable when I'm sleeping on the side walk" I yelled, a little to loudly.

I then looked across the room. There was the guy in the green hat staring directly at me.

"Mom, I have to go. There's a guy following me."

"Who?"

"I don't know. I have to go."

I hung up without saying goodbye. I walked back to the front of the store to the girl offering drinks. "That guy is here. I don't know why he's following me. Just keep him away from me."

"Wait here while I get my manager."

I put my sunglasses on and adjusted the pink beret I was wearing. I know. It looked completely ridiculous in a DFS but I was really freaked out.

The manager escorted the guy in the green hat out of the store. He then offered to give me a deal on a Manta sofa. I wasn't in the mood to buy a sofa or for his hard pitch sale. Even if I could get three years free credit. The whole scenario put me in a bad mood the rest of the day.

Sometimes I just hate men.